Chrissy Teigen shares her story in a heartfelt essay that she published on Medium. The model opened up about her pregnancy loss as she remembers her third child, who she lost.
This comes after a month after the cookbook author revealed about she and John Legend lost their baby. She began the essay writing she had no idea when she would be ready to write this. The model continued that a part of her thought it would be early on but she still felt the pain of what had happened.
Chrissy wrote, “I thought I would sit in the corner of my bedroom with the lights dimmed, just rolling off my thoughts. I’d have a glass of red wine, cozy up with a blanket, and finally, get the chance to address ‘what happened.'”
The mother of two explained how she didn’t know how she would start this no matter the room or state she was in. However, she wrote that it feels right, to begin with, a “thank you”. The model shared that for weeks, their floors have been covered with flowers.
Chrissy said they read the notes that have flooded in and each of them has been read with their teary eyes. She shared, “Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, ‘you probably won’t read this, but…’ I can assure you, I did.”
The Cravings author explained that many messages also started with telling her that she does not have to respond. She described it as “true relief” and explained how she was incredibly worried that she wasn’t able to thank everyone.
“A Boy That Would Have Never Survived In My Belly”
Chrissy wrote, “After we first lost Jack, I found myself incredibly worried that I wasn’t able to thank everyone for their extreme kindness.” The model said that many people shared their personal experiences and some shared books and poems. She shared that she wanted to thank everyone and share her story with each individual person.
The cookbook author further said she knew she was in no state to do that. She shared how for her, the “no need to respond” note was a true relief. The model thanked everyone once again for saying that.
Chrissy continued and shared her personal moments when she was expected to give birth. She shared that she had already come to terms with what will happen. The model said she would have an epidural and be induced to deliver their 20 weeks old. She recalled, “A boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms).”
The model shared how she was previously on bed rest for over a month trying to get her baby through 28 weeks which she described as a ‘safer’ zone for the fetus. She shared that her doctor diagnosed her with “partial placenta abruption”. The author said she had experienced with her second child.
However, Chrissy shared that there were other issues along with that. She shared how she had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from her placenta. The mother-of-two added how that was her first abruption and that they monitored everything closely hoping things to heal and stop.
“It Was Time To Say Goodbye”
The model shared, “In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in.” The cookbook author explained how she had become an adult diaper expert during that time.
Chrissy described, “Some were blush-colored, with drawn delicate flowers. I got to the point where I was actually like, ‘hell yeah, throw me the pink ones!’ — something I never thought I’d be excited for. But there we were.” The model shared how she could have spent days at the hospital without it making much of a difference.
The model explained she was seen by doctors at home as she tried to silently turn their negative words into positive. She wrote how she thought everything will turn out okay. The cookbook author shared that she had a pretty bad night in bed one day which was after an ultrasound which was not great.
Chrissy shared she was bleeding more than even her abnormal amount and the fluid around Jack became very low. She explained that the baby was barely able to float around. The model said at some points it was so low that she could lay on her back and feel his arms and legs from outside her belly.
The mother-of-two recalled the heartbreaking message she received from her daughter. She wrote, “After a couple of nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye.” The model shared how her baby wouldn’t have survived this if they went any longer and neither will she.
“I Knew For Me I Needed To Say Something Before I Could Move On From This”
Chrissy explained how they tried bags and bags of blood transfusions and every single one went right through her like they hadn’t done anything. She shared late one night, she was told it would be time to let go in the morning. The model shared, “I cried a little at first, then went into full-blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness.”
The Cravings author further added that even as she writes this she can feel the pain all over again. She shared that oxygen was placed over her nose and mouth which was the first picture she shared. The model wrote, “Utter and complete sadness.” The author also shared the criticism she had received when she posted pictures of her pregnancy loss.
Chrissy wrote, “I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done.” She said she had lived it and chose to share it and wrote that the photos weren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this.
The model said, “These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.” Chrissy also shared that both her mom and husband were able to give Jack their private goodbyes. Explaining that writing the essay has been cathartic she revealed how she and her loved ones are still mourning.
“I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life,” she said, “so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so. Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.”